Quest 2015
Theme Day 6
The Upside of Your Dark Side
The next visionary guide for Quest 2015 is Todd Kashdan. He is author of The Upside of Your Dark Side: Why being your whole self – not just your good self – drives success and fulfillment. He also heads the Laboratory for the Study of Social Anxiety, Character Strengths, and Related Phenomena at George Mason University and travels the globe to speak to business executives, organizations, schools, and health professionals.
For this writing prompt, Todd asked the following:
Which emotions do you feel most guilty about having? Afraid that others might find out?
How could you spend this year trying to be open to the emotional window that allows you to be courageous?It rarely feels good right before we do something courageous, but these moments are the most meaningful and treasured.
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ANGER – FEAR – DESIRE
Growing up, the emotions that I had been conditioned to feel the most guilty about were anger, fear, and desire. I lived in a broken home and had gone through three father figures by the time I graduated from high school. The first step-father I had was very abusive, including sexual abuse beginning when I was 7 years old. He had a horrible temper and it took very little to set him off into a violent rage. He preferred that my younger brothers and I were out of sight and out of the way as much as possible, unless he needed or wanted something from us. He often boldly declared that ‘children should be seen and not heard‘ and preferably not even seen.
Once the sexual abuse began, I was quick to oblige when it came to not wanting to be seen. So I spent as much time away from home as I possibly could; sometimes with a close friend or group of friends, or hiding in my room with my nose in a book, writing poetry, and listening to music. If I didn’t have to be home, I’d be roaming the nearby wooded hills, exploring the creek, catching frogs, or examining the fluffy white internal matter of a cattail.
I lived in chronic fear.
I never knew from one day to the next…one minute to the next…when my step-father would fly into a rage or when he would use me sexually. When you are that tiny and unable to defend yourself, it doesn’t matter how afraid or angry you are when you are being beaten or sexually violated by an adult who is supposed to love and protect you…you either aren’t ‘allowed’ to have any anger or rage of your own in the face of total violation. Or if you are afraid, that just seems to satisfy those that feed off your fear in order to feel more powerful themselves.
So there was a great deal of confusion and guilt surrounding my own feelings that I had to chronically stuff and suppress in order to survive my childhood.
‘THEY’ were allowed to feel and express anger.
Not me.
However, this post today isn’t really about sexual abuse so much as it is to reveal a snapshot of how learning to navigate emotions are a challenge for many of us in life. Although your story is different, many of you reading this could probably say the same when it comes to your own feelings growing up. Even if your circumstances weren’t as bleak and dismal as my own. In some cases, some of you have had experiences far worse. Learning to be dishonest about our feelings is how many of us were raised. And even if my caretakers hadn’t been overtly abusive, it was how most of our parents were raised by their parents. And so on.
- Don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about!
- If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
- Don’t hurt mommy’s or daddy’s feelings.
- Children should be seen and not heard.
- What are you crying about now?
- Quit being a whiner!
- Quit being such a cry baby!
- Quit being a sissy!
- Big boys don’t cry!
- And the list goes on….
Raised to suppress and deny the language of feelings.
We’ve become experts in denying our feelings to such an extent we live as aliens inside of our own bodies.
Detached.
Dissociated.
Disembodied.
What was intelligently designed to operate as an internal navigation system, many of our emotions have been given a bad rap. In some cases, considered evil. This is often due to our inability to face the truth of our feelings in the first place. So they become unmanageable and explosive, leading to harmful acts towards self or others. We have become conditioned to cut off certain aspects of ourselves; parts of us that were never meant to be locked away but were designed to serve us throughout our lives.
Our language of feelings were designed to guide us to what is in alignment with our highest good.
When I saw the prompt for this post, I was delighted…even relieved! I knew that I would have the opportunity to address, at least in part, what has confused some when it comes to why I can and do focus on certain things like ‘negative emotions’ and why I embrace them when I write. This also isn’t something that happened for me overnight. It’s been a journey that has led me to studying the language of feelings and various traditions and religions on the soul and spiritual pulse of humanity.
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The Story of Gaea and Uranus
In Greek Mythology, there is an interesting story about Creation that I first heard told by Chameli Ardagh, the founder of Awakening Women. The story of Gaea and Uranus. Although there are many details and layers to this story, I’m only going to offer the very beginning and a far more simplified version.
Basically, Gaea was considered to be a Goddess; the Great Mother earth from which all beings and life were born. Uranus was considered to be Father Sky and the husband to Gaea. It is said that their love was so great that Uranus covered Gaea on all sides (sky wrapped around the earth) and they were locked in an eternal embrace. Through their lovemaking, Gaea gave birth to many children and creatures, some were good and beautiful. Yet, there also came some very ugly monsters from their union and this shocked Uranus.
How could something so ugly come from their love?
He turned out to not be a very good husband and father. He was ashamed of his ugly monster children and so he pushed them back down into the depths (womb) of Gaea so that he no longer had to see them. He then tried to pretend they didn’t exist. Naturally, this angered Gaea! After all, she was a mother and loved ALL of her children equally and knew that each one had a special place and role and reason for their existence. So she enlisted the aid of one of her sons, Cronus, the youngest Titan, to attack Uranus in order to bring his abuse to herself and her monster children to an end. Cronus succeeded in overthrowing his father and a new host of issues and drama cropped up, but that’s a story for another time!
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It is similar for us. Like the loving mother, Gaea, we were meant to accept and embrace ALL of our children (feelings), knowing they each play a special role in helping us navigate in this life. We weren’t meant to shut ANY of our emotions up and deny them like Uranus did to his own children. To do so, is to become an abuser of ourselves and our own bodies. Instead, we can learn to listen for the sound of ALL of our children’s’ voices early on. If we can learn to pay attention to their cries like they were our own infant children, than the earlier we can take care of them and ease our own suffering. Like a contented baby, the negative feeling becomes satisfied and settles down again.
Instead, we tend to do the opposite. We ignore our babies cries until we are in so much pain that it can’t be ignored anymore! This is when we tend to act out in some way, often involuntarily. It might show up as the ‘straw that breaks the camels back’ when we react by yelling at someone who upsets us. Or it could manifest in an affair if a husband or wife hasn’t been honest about their own needs and feelings in the relationship. It could wind up in petty gossip to discredit another if people fall into fear and envy and aren’t able to safely talk about it or take responsibility for it. Instead, we seem to think we can fool the powers that be in denying the dark side of our own internal GPS system. That’s like trying to navigate the earth with only half the map!
‘Let’s only see the stars in the sky please.’ Yet without the dark of night, the light of the stars cannot be seen.’
What is fascinating about many of our global mythological histories, is how they cleverly describe the collective psyche during those time periods. We get to peer into the collective consciousness of the past; into the depths of imaginations, theories, superstitions, and assumptions of cultures and societies throughout the ages. We get to witness their attempts to describe, decipher, and make sense of our world and the cosmos. Basically, each mythological story can be considered a map of the collective psyche and consciousness of that people and time period. These stories still serve us today when we can relate them to our own collective consciousness; often referred to as archetypes.
In the story of Gaea and Uranus, we can see how we have been taught to be like Uranus when it comes to our own ‘dark and ugly children’. In the form of our more negative and controversial emotions such as anger, rage, fear, sadness, lust, envy and all the shades of the emotional spectrum that are considered to be ‘dark’ or negative. We have been taught to stuff them down back into our own earth. Our bodies. We have been taught to deny they exist or pretend they aren’t there. We have even successfully learned how to shame others when they have negative emotions as well. Thus, the cycle continues.
And yet, how successful are we in banishing our negative emotions? By denying that they exist, do they really go away? Or does that energy still exist even if it’s being stuffed inside of our bodies?
Just because we deny, stuff, hide, and repress our negative emotions, that energy still exists. If we stuff the energy without properly addressing it, the energy could potentially damage our body. It will also tend to leak out in various ways, often passive aggressively, if we’ve been trying to hide it and not be honest about what we are truly feeling inside. Once our emotions become too strong, they can become so unmanageable that it can cause people to lash out at others and hurt them; emotionally, verbally, physically, or sexually.
Let’s take a look at another example of denial and suppression when it comes to marriage and sex.
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Sexual Abuse in the Catholic Church
For whatever reason, a group of men decided that the ‘God ordained’ holy union of marriage and sex interfered with a man’s relationship and communion with God. As a result, in order to be a priest, they must take a vow of celibacy and aren’t allowed to marry. As the Bible so aptly says, a tree is known by its fruit and today, the Catholic church is well known for an epidemic of sexual abuse of countless children at the hands of their own priests. By denying marriage and sex, their so-called ‘dark side’ or natural male sexual drive and urges did not magically disappear. Instead, their sexual energy transformed into a perversion and seeks an outlet of expression in one of the few ways they can. If women and marriage are not allowed, (and oddly enough, a completely HOLY and SANCTIFIED UNION…’the marriage bed is undefiled’…) they gave them innocent altar boys and children to abuse and have sex with instead. Apparently, the entire Catholic church for centuries seems to keep ignoring 1 Corinthians when Paul’s letter to the church says that it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
This is only one of many examples of how our lack of honesty in facing ALL of our emotions has damaged humanity. We can also see it in acts of rage that transpire in the shootings that take place all over this country and the world. When people aren’t allowed to be honest about how they feel, those emotions will demand us to pay the piper at some point in the future. And for some, at great cost with the result being in the loss of relationships and even precious lives.
Loving Our Dark Side
So what does it really mean to love our dark side? Is it suggesting that we embrace the urges and feelings that result in act of rape and molestation as acceptable? Or acts of rage that result in shootings of innocent people? No. Those are examples of the dark side out of control and beyond the point of no return.
What loving the dark side means is to accept ALL of our feelings in the first place as being normal, natural, and necessary part of our life. Instead of hiding from them, we can learn to welcome them as if they are one of our own children. Thich Nhat Hanh often says in his books, ‘Hello anger. I know that you are there.’ He doesn’t deny or avoid the negative feeling and energy. Instead, he applies the energy of mindful attention to it in order to take care of it.
In some cases, the energy of our negative emotions can feel too painful and overpowering, this is definitely when we need to enlist the aid of our church group and sanghas. (Or professional help if it’s an emergency) The collective energy of many people can help ease the suffering until we cultivate our own practice to be able to do it more effectively on our own. And when this happens, this is nothing to be ashamed of. Especially if we have years of pent up emotions and a lifetime of poor practice in not knowing how to manage emotions very well.
Regardless of whether or not you are a Christian, Hindu, or Buddhist, at the heart of most religious teachings is the call to either repentance or awareness. The ability to face and be honest about the condition we are in from moment to moment. This done with openness and sincerity generally leads to a change of mind. Which ultimately results in us changing our actions and behaviors.
There is far more that I can share on the language of feelings. For now, I hope this post can serve as a primer that would breathe at least a little bit of light, compassion, and hope in facing our negative emotions and learning to love our dark sides.
What step can you take right now towards acknowledging and honoring your own dark side?
Your thoughts are welcome!
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Update
Post by Awakening Women Institute.
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Additional Related Resources
Quest 2015 Theme Day 1: Living Connections by Samantha Hall
Quest 2015 Theme Day 2: In Search of Serendipity by Samantha Hall
Quest 2015 Theme Day 3: Dare To Disappoint by Samantha Hall
Quest 2015 Theme Day 4: The Heart Leaps by Faith by Samantha Hall
Quest 2015 Theme Day 5: Stop With A Sacred Pause by Samantha Hall
On Cosmology by Dan Oestreich
Your Life Quest: Create. Curate. Conflict by Jon Mertz
Your Life Quest: Doing. Stopping. Feeling by Jon Mertz
Illuminate by Stan Stewart
Diving Into Your Shadow Bag by Ginny Lee Taylor
Quest 2015 Information Page by Jeffrey Davis
Tracking Wonder – by Jeffrey Davis
Samantha, Although I feel ill-equipped to provide any thoughts on this, the only thing I can say is that sharing your experiences and insights is showing your courage to make a difference in what you do and what you can do for others. Awareness and subsequent action to move beyond dark sides is what resilient people do, always remembering but always moving forward. Thank you. Jon
Hello Jon. I am always honored when you are able to read and share. Any input is appreciated. While not everyone can relate to the experience of sexual abuse, I hoped that it would demonstrate a clear example of emotions run amuck, and the pervasive problems that occur when, for whatever reason, we are forced to deny them.
Earlier tonight you shared a link to a post ‘Be Positive is Not a Strategy’. And although the context is different, my message for awhile now has been similar. Denying negative ‘energy’ and having much of our American corporate culture parrot out this Just Be Positive philosophy as the answer to all of life’s ills is beyond callous nor is it effective or even reasonable for the average person.
Although not everyone experiences sexual abuse growing up, MANY people have gone through trauma whether it’s at home or on the battle field and the ‘be positive’ and just change your attitude is the equivalent of telling a person who has been hit by a truck and hemorrhaging to death that all’s they have to do is change their attitude and ignore the fact their bones are broken and they are bleeding to death! : ) As if things will auto=magically heal and take care of themselves simply by ‘thinking’ about it differently.
Tell that to the veteran who dives into a ditch on the 4th of July at the sound of a firecracker.
Tell that to an adult survivor of any form of child abuse when she walks on a sidewalk and out of nowhere her nostrils are assaulted with an all too familiar scent of her childhood abuser…a whiff of the same exact cologne or other similar odor…or perhaps it was only the ambiance in a room or an environment that had so many similar elements it triggers a physical and psychological response that is based more on cellular memory than regular memory.
And frankly, since I DO have a background in healthcare and nursing, I continue to be SHOCKED as to how many public figures and leaders who have ZERO background in both psychology and healthcare, have the audacity to teach and write about some of these things as if they were an expert and authority on the matter. ZERO experience outside of what they personally read or pick up in books or on the internet but that suddenly qualifies everyone as experts on abuse and trauma and not only the impact to a person physically, but emotionally and psychologically. They are doing more damage to wounded people than they realize. But they don’t care if their message is popular.
Popular doesn’t make it a fact…doesn’t make it true…and doesn’t mean it’s helping people. But I digress… (grins)
Thank you SO MUCH as always for commenting. Again, big congratulations on your new book coming out and looking forward to the launch so I can read it!
: )
Agree, Samantha. Trauma happens and just masking it over with a “smile” is not a valid way to overcome or understand. Your courage is always appreciated. Jon
Exactly Jon. Part of the problem and the big difference between physical trauma and this ‘other’ kind of trauma is that we can’t SEE the internal wounds of anyone. I can’ t see YOURS, people can’ t see mine, and we can’t see any of theirs.
Always appreciate your encouragement and I should be praising your courage as well! For having the courage to be my first commenter on this post. (grins) Thank you.
Samantha;
Your incredible courage and strength are never ending. Your ability to express your personal struggles in a way that give not only insight but also hope to others is a true gift.
In my younger days my personal feelings of inadequacy and dislike for being alone keep me from standing up for myself until I verbalized my anger and frustration in a way that did more harm then good. Until I learned that is was ok to be me I always hid. Unfortunately the consequences of hiding brought me to the place I never wanted to be…alone.
I can not express enough my deep respect for you and the writings you have done during your quest. Honored to have the opportunity to know you.
Thanks for all you do.
Tom
Tom, I’m honored by your willingness to be honest and vulnerable enough to share. That takes great courage and I applaud your example and the truth you reveal. There is great wisdom in what you have shared. Regardless of what anyone else has done or continues to do, we are still responsible for our end of the deal. Our own insecurities and how this impacts our lives.
The example you give is not only a great example but a common one. In whatever area we feel afraid or insecure, this is precisely the area of our lives where we are in danger of tolerating what we shouldn’t. If the fear is being alone, than the danger is tolerating poor treatment from others for far too long. Until those emotions can no longer be stuffed and leads to a bit of a volcanic eruption.
So learning how to be honest with OURSELVES in how we are feeling and wanting to understand and explore those insecurities that exist underneath all of that can help pave the way to becoming more equipped to dealing with it. Without the awareness though, we don’t see it. Only the ‘after affects’.
Again, thank you so much for sharing here and honored by your willingness to do so.
Samantha,
Congratulations on another profound and thoughtfully written essay. Certainly the subjugation of the “darker” emotions, as you put it, can lead to harmful consequences. Even the suppression of the brighter emotions (e.g. gaiety at a funeral or in the work place) is probably not a healthful practice either.
On the surface, I think both of your examples (i.e., the Catholic Church and the shooters) are spot on as illustrations of its type. It is worth mentioning, I think, that not all instances of these violent acts are the result of suppressed emotion. Some are, in fact, pathological.
I trust that you won’t mind if I pass your work along to others who will benefit from reading it.
sh
Hello Steven. Nice to see you again!
Thank you for the great comment and the compliment. Yes, you are so right in pointing out that suppressing our positive emotions is not healthy either. In fact, what generally happens is that we really cannot SELECT which emotions we are going to suppress or repress. So what generally happens is the thick lid is placed over ALL of our emotions! Not just the negative ones. So glad you pointed that out!
Also, good point on the pathological issue. Yes, my post is not referring to any ‘Ted Bundy’ type psycho/sociopaths out there that can’t be ‘accounted for’ when it comes to their unique psychological make up and complete lack of empathy.
And I don’t mind you sharing at all! Share it as much as you want. I would love for people to be discussing this topic. The more awareness it brings, the better.
Honored that you took the time to read and share Steven. Excellent insights. Thank you.
What an extraordinary post, Samantha and one that cries out in honesty!
Although I cannot begin to see life as you experienced it at such a young age, I can say that embracing who I am completely has helped me in every choice I make. I am honest when I am frustrated but instead of giving in to my fears, I try to focus on ways to overcome the roadblocks. It has just worked for me. The frustrations will always come but coping with them has taught me so much about myself.
Thanks Samantha!
Hi Terri and thanks for sharing here!
Regardless of the diversity of our life experiences, we ALL struggle with our emotions at times. ie. in needing to learn how best to deal with them in life.
I love this: ‘I can say that embracing who I am completely has helped me in every choice I make.’
You hit the nail on the head. Whether we are the ones who are being hurt or when we are the one’s doing the hurting, being able to face and accept all parts of ourselves; the good, the bad, and the ugly, is all critical to healing and a healthy mindset and life.
Your comment reminds me of a favorite quote by Nathaniel Brandon:
‘Of all the judgments we pass in life, none is more important than the one we pass on ourselves, for it is that judgment that touches the center of our existence.’
People are going to judge us regardless of what we do. Those judgments can’t do much damage UNLESS….we AGREE with it.
And that’s what many of us wrestle with….the judgments we accepted from others before we knew any better. Before we KNEW that we didn’t have to agree!
Thanks again for taking the time read and share Terri. I appreciate it! Have a great weekend!
A great dialog has been happening over on Google+ on my post. Here’s the link to see the discussion:
https://t.co/mOMvO7DQe6
Deeply touched and honored that Chameli Ardagh from Awakening Women shared this post on the Awakening Women Institute page on FB.
https://www.facebook.com/AwakeningWomenInstitute/posts/10152903024407702
Thank you
You’re welcome Mark. And thank you for your lovely comment on Twitter. You are very kind. : )
Dear Samantha
Where to begin?
First, to say how much I admire your willingness to share at such a deep level. It’s rare.
Second, to say I am sorry that you had to endure what you did. No child, no adult should have to be subjected to such pain.
Your quest to understand all of your feelings is a noble one.
Perhaps it is the frustrated psychologist in me (with a penchant for Jung, speaking of the archetypal) but the understanding and “liberation” of emotional life has been a very long dedication of mine too. I have always believed in the inherent wisdom and guidance of emotions – even the so-called “dark” ones.
According to my “dark” emotions guru, Miriam Greenspan (Healing through the Dark Emotions) “By “emotion phobic” I mean that we fear our emotions and devalue them. This fear has its roots in the ancient duality of reason versus emotion. Reason and the mind are associated with masculinity and are considered trustworthy, whereas emotion and the body are associated with the feminine and are seen as untrustworthy, dangerous, and destructive. Nowhere in school, for example, does anyone tell us that paying attention to our emotions might be valuable or necessary. Our emotions are not seen as sources of information. We look at them instead as indicators of inadequacy or failure. We don’t recognize that they have anything to teach us. They are just something to get through or to control.”
These fears are embedded in our cultures and psyches and the reason so many people turn to ugly outlets for any relief they can get. Our cultures are rife with these repressed, acting out, attempts at control and power. They are ultimately doomed to fail as even neuroscience is finding – we cannot lie about our own true feelings.
I love that you stated what I believe is a bold and beautiful truth:
“Our language of feelings were designed to guide us to what is in alignment with our highest good.”
Now this takes a transformation of many ingrained beliefs to even consider – because when we talk about fear (well the kind that people don’t like) shame, hate and rage, it’s hard to imagine the “benefits” of such feeling. And because we become, as you say, disembodied. because of our emotional estrangement, we can’t trust the voice of our bodies – which come in feeling – and not thought.
Thank you Samantha for digging so deeply and sharing so generously.
~Louise
Dear Louise,
I was so happy when I saw your comment notification in my inbox! I was nodding my head over nearly everything you said!
We are TOTALLY on the same page! You ‘get’ it! In fact, it was just last night I was reading about the contrast between the Greeks and the rise of thinking and reason over feeling and the old quote by Descartes: ‘I think therefore I am.‘ And how this belief system has so interfered with our ability to know and understand the delicate relationship between mind and body, thought and emotion, that we have relegated our emotional bodies to something of meaningless insignificance, when, in reality, it’s FAR more superior and important that many currently believe!
And we wonder why there has been such a rise in psycho/sociopaths!?
We still have much work to do to overcome the harm that has been done through these false beliefs or, to be fair, HALF truths…because thinking IS important but it wasn’t supposed to be considered as superior to our emotional body. Which, as an aside, seems to be all too similar and in alignment with those that banished ‘goddesses’ and created patriarchal societies and a one gender ‘god’. We see the same belief system and impact of this by elevating THOUGHT to the throne and demoting and banishing our feelings just as the feminine was demoted throughout history. (when at one time goddesses were worshiped globally) But I digress…! : )
It’s a bit of a cliche over the past decade or so now but I still like the simple quote, ‘We can’t heal what we are unable to FEEL.‘ Can’t remember who said it off the top of my head.
Thanks again for your wonderful insights and contribution to this post Louise. ALWAYS appreciate your perspective.
Much love. xo
Amazing post, Samantha, and thank you for sharing.
Life is not a bed of roses for anyone. It has its ups and downs, its pleasures and horrors, and much lightness and darkness.
I completely agree with you. Rather than trying to gloss things over, encouraging people to just get over and get on with it, we must investigate who we are and all the things that make us.
It would be great if we could learn to love all our parts, but for many that is a difficult and painful journey that never seems to end.
At the very least, we must lean on each other to help us make peace with all our bits and pieces.
Thank you.
Martina
Hello Martina! I’m so happy to ‘see’ you and love your new profile picture!
You are so right Martina. Life isn’t a bed of roses. Even if it were, those roses come equipped with some painful thorns too. It seems to be our wishful thinking and need for certainty that tries to create this idea that we can somehow control life and everything in it in such a way that will make us magically exempt from all pain and suffering.
I’m learning that it is in facing all of our parts and going through that difficult and painful journey that we can learn to transform our suffering into something useful and meaningful. In many ways the joy is waiting on the other side of it but we don’t get the prize until we look at the ‘dark thing’ we try to deny and avoid.
I do know that it’s a journey none of us can take entirely alone. The burden is too great without some measures of support now and then.
Glad to see you back on social media. Hope things went well with everything last month and thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment.
I’m honored. : )
Well-said, Samantha. It is about seeing, learning and the working to transform that dark thing into light in our own lives and the lives of others.
Getting back into the groove one day at a time. Thank you.
Martina