There’s going to be some people who aren’t going to trust you no matter what you do and how hard you try. However, if you aren’t honest and sincere with people, you aren’t giving them any reasons to trust you.
This thought was inspired by an important topic and post written by Dan Rockwell; 10 Strategies for Dealing With Toxic Teammate. And from an ‘issue’ that has been brewing in cyberspace for quite some time. From his list I loved strategy #8 and then later, after further reflection, felt #1 was a method of questionable integrity.
If you haven’t had a chance to raise your voice on this topic, pop on over to Dan’s blog and leave your comments and feel free to do the same here when it comes to the focus of trust.
So without further ado!
Most of us will agree that trust is a foundational principal when it comes to successful relationships, organizations, and businesses. When dealing with toxic people and environments, trust is going to be an even greater challenge to create and maintain. I believe we need to examine the ways we make or break that trust to help us get to the root of issues. In addition, we also need to explore and toss out old ways of handling issues that only serve to break trust and actually cultivate a foundation of toxicity in the environment.
While there are many ways to create trust, I want to highlight that although kindness is a trustworthy action when sincere, it is also deceitful and manipulative if the motive involves lying. Befriending a person to keep them close is akin to the saying, ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer’. However, is it an action deserving of trust? What happens when the person finds out your friendship is only ‘pretend’? What then?
Any chance we have of creating trust with that person is completely shot and then people wonder why the toxic behaviors only escalate. When it may be that those doing the labeling are guilty of quite a few toxic behaviors themselves and people have only tried to get a way from them.
It may be time that we consider that some of the ways people learn to deal or not deal with people which may precisely be the reasons toxic behavior exists and continues in the first place.
Some things we’ve already learned about trust together:
- Trust takes a long time to build yet can be easily destroyed instantly with a single action or incident (based on popular quote I see now and then)
- We can’t build trust in a dishonest environment – when people aren’t telling you the truth or being honest with you.
- We build trust by saying what we mean and meaning what we say to the best of our ability.
- We build trust by doing what we say we are going to do. Or at least communicating openly and honestly when it’s not possible.
- You don’t build trust when you intentionally lie about others in order to improve your position and status and attempting to make others look bad.
- You don’t build trust by lying about others and then pretending to be sweet and innocent in public when the people you lie about find out and get upset.
- You don’t build trust by intentionally sabotaging other people by monitoring who people are communicating with and then trying to steal contacts out from under them. (This has actually happened to me multiple times by the SAME person here in the land of Twitter…..)
- You don’t build trust when you treat people cruelly and yet won’t be honest and tell them what you are upset about.
- You don’t build trust by plagiarizing the words and work of other authors, legitimate experts, and REAL professionals and psychologists.
- You build trust by citing your sources and giving credit where credit is due. If your idea came from another author and book, share the name of both title and author. If your idea was inspired or came from another blogger, you name them and their post and link back to them!
- You build trust by doing your best to be honest in all of your interactions and relationships.
- You build trust by telling the truth even if the other person may not like it. It’s better to be honest and build trust SLOWLY with someone then to sabotage it with lies because you are pretending to be a friend and only said what you wanted them to hear, or what you thought THEY wanted to hear.
When does competition and cutthroat tactics become toxic and hinder trust? Personally, I feel that any time a person or a company has to resort to lies, deceptions, and various means of manipulations in order to gain and keep business, they contribute to toxicity and erode a foundation of trust. Or even potential trust with other people and organizations.
When you resort to using the above methods for busting trust…you aren’t ‘nice’ no matter how nice you come across in your public persona. When you lie about other people and some lies I’ve heard were down right HORRIBLE about other people with tales of verbal abuse even…. it has done nothing but cause doubt in the hearts and minds of those who hear it. Because if what we hear were really TRUE, why of COURSE we wouldn’t want to have anything to do with so and so!
I fell for it a couple of times with the same person. Yet when I found out the person was doing the same thing to me and I began hearing about it…. I began to realize what was REALLY going on.
When you cry wolf….once too often…..
Not everyone is going to handle toxic people the same way. Especially if some have already tried the polite, nice, honest methods and didn’t get anywhere and it isn’t stopping the problem.
Some of us run out of polite niceties when toxic people start impacting our other relationships in the public sphere. Perhaps even that only reveals some people aren’t really your true friends to begin with…perhaps they did a service! Yet it’s also sad to have people you like and care about suddenly question your integrity and doubt YOU simply because of actions of a manipulative and deceitful person who seems to have a knack for getting away with it as a lifestyle with a multitude of people…
It’s time to question whether we are really serving trust or busting it with some of our methods and interactions with people. Especially here in cyberland. I encourage people to risk being honest with one another. Ask questions. Challenge assumptions. And quit protecting the people who need to be held accountable.
Your turn! How do YOU feel about trust?
PS: The image above was taken up at Cresap Bay on Mt. St. Helens. It is of my husband holding my youngest daughter when she was just a few months old as a deer walked into our camp! That deer has to have a great deal of trust in us humans in order to get that close to us. Not sure how it would fare during hunting season though!
© Samantha S Hall 2014 All Rights Reserved
Additional Related Resources
The Quest for Truth by Samantha Hall
The Burden of Truth by Samantha Hall
Codependency and Relationships by Samantha Hall
How Do You Work With Someone You Hate? by Alli Polin
Workplace Personality Conflicts: Seek Results Not Revenge by Kate Nasser
Simple Integrity: People Skills Influence by Kate Nasser