May 29, 2013 by Samantha Hall
‘Our willingness to be vulnerable
is at the heart of our ability to give and receive love.’
In my last post, The Burden of Truth, I brought up some ideas and questions that I hoped would serve to launch people into a deeper inquiry on the subject of truth. More importantly, I wanted it to serve as a catalyst that might help us get back in touch with and become more consciously aware of what we genuinely think and feel. This is something many of us have been conditioned to deny, minimize, and suppress in many ways in order to cope throughout life. Basically, the post was a call to action in reclaiming an essential part of ourselves that we may have unknowingly been taught to disown.
This leads to a subject that has been very difficult for me to write about since my last post…
Vulnerability
The dilemma of vulnerability is not new for me. It is something I’ve wrestled with in various ways off and on throughout most of my life. For me, feeling vulnerable is much like a two-sided coin or a double-edged sword, depending on what angle I happen to be looking at it. So I’ve decided to share something vulnerable about myself not because I wish to dwell on the past, but with conscious intention to be an example of it in action so that it might help others. I also share it because it does touch on some similar fears I’ve had to contend with in the present. So it seems to be highly relevant.
On the one hand, the nature of my own vulnerability reveals the birthplace of terror, suffering, shame and pain in childhood. On the other, there are occasions when my vulnerability became the bridge to genuine connection with others. It also became the gateway to a measure of rebirth and healing when I was able to reveal parts of myself that had been locked in hiding underneath the layers of masks I had to create in order to survive.
- What parts of yourself have you had to lock away in life?
- Which parts have you been able to safely bring out into the light?
- Which parts of you might still be hiding?
Recently, Dan Rockwell, author of the popular Leadership Freak blog, wrote a post called The Secret Power of Vulnerability. He asked a very important question, which I believe to be at the heart of the vulnerability dilemma.
‘If you reveal your real self, what’s left if it’s rejected?’
We either have to go dwell in a cave somewhere in isolation. Or we learn to hide the parts of ourselves that have been rejected. We create and don a multitude of masks to adjust to the people and environments we live and work in. I don’t mean to imply that adjusting to certain levels of appropriate behavior in order to get along well with others is at issue here. I’m referring to having to deny the very essence of our true selves that makes us who we are at our core. Or the parts of us that were shamed for having legitimate needs and feelings.
If sharing our honest thoughts and feelings were rejected
by the most significant people in our lives,
we learn to hide them.
For example, if they were hurting us, we may not have been allowed to register our ‘no’. We may not have been allowed to safely express, ‘This hurts. This is not acceptable to me.’ Or if we did, we may have been punished for it. We may have learned to deny our own pain and allow others to violate us because we may have had no choice or other options at the time.
It may have meant cutting off and detaching from our own internal world of feelings in order to cope. Our very own personal navigation system. If so, this comes at a very steep price because in order to belong, we may have had to disown ourselves just to survive it.
‘The love I gained with such uphill effort and self-defacement was not meant for me at all but for the me I created to please them.’
~Alice Miller
- In what ways did you have to change in order to gain the approval of others or to receive their love and acceptance?
- What feelings were you forced to hide or repress most often? Do you still have to hide them today?
- In what ways are you still playing the same roles in order to obtain love that has never touched the real you because you’ve had to be somebody else to them?
- Who are you allowed to be yourself with most often without excessive fear?
********************
Up until the age of 18, that is how I lived. The real me had to take a backseat. More then that, it was locked up in some dark closet somewhere deep inside. When, at one point, I was considered to be a bright, smiling, loving, enthusiastic child (even despite my circumstances), I turned into an empty shell. I withdrew for a spell. Pulled inward. It got to the point where I couldn’t even raise my hand in class anymore in grade school because I was terrified of calling attention to myself. Any attention.
If I could have become invisible at that point, I would have.
I couldn’t tell anyone what was happening to me at home. Not even my best friend. I could barely allow it to register myself when my step-father began raping me at the age of 7. And whenever he was finished with me, I was forced to ACT as if nothing happened. I had to pretend that I wasn’t dying inside. I had to put a fake smile on my face so that no one would know anything was wrong. Keep other people ‘happy’ at all costs. Don’t make anyone angry, especially my step-father.
‘Wind in time,
rapes the flower trembling on the vine.
Nothing yields to shelter it.’
Life In Every Breath
I learned quite a bit during those years. I learned that no matter what I did. No matter how much I smiled and tried to keep everyone else happy. No matter how much I tried to be ‘good’ and obedient. No matter how good my grades were. No matter how well I did in band or sports. No matter how hard I worked outside of school to ‘earn my keep’ for fear that I would be abandoned again if I required too much. No matter how hard I prayed at night and begged God to help me as I cried myself to sleep. It was never enough to stop abuse or earn me any amount of genuine love and acceptance from the people I needed it from the most.
Even when we went to church.
I’d hear the words, ‘God loves you. He will provide for all of your needs.’ And they fell flat on my wounded heart and mind. They carried no genuine meaning to me because they didn’t make one damn bit of difference to the hell I was living through at the time. Yet, what did I know? I was just a child. Maybe everyone else was right and I somehow missed the boat when it came to God’s good love, mercy, and grace.
These were a difficult bag of beliefs to contend with in the face of what I was experiencing. They didn’t compute or match my reality at all. The only version of God I came to know from childhood was in the form of multiple abandonments, abuse, and rape. And not even then did it feel like genuine love to me in any way, shape, or form. Yet it was all I knew. The positive aspects of love were nothing more then fairy tales to me. Fiction.
Damaged Goods
Fortunately, at the age of 18, I was able to bring part of myself out of the closet and safely reveal her to the man who eventually became my husband. I remember feeling so ashamed when I told him about what happened to me. I was afraid that once he knew, he wouldn’t want me anymore. I really loved and cared about him so I was able to override the terror I felt and took the risk to do it. To face his rejection, if need be. In my heart and mind, the sooner I told him, the better. No sense in prolonging the agony.
So I did. I told him all of the things I thought would repel him in complete disgust. And as I expected him to find some lame excuse to make a quick exit out of my life, he surprised me and did the complete opposite. He stayed. He accepted all of me and embraced me fully with a compassion I had never known before.
June 23, 1990
I was able to find a measure of happiness
in the genuine connection, love, and acceptance
offered by another perfectly imperfect
human being.
It wasn’t something I ‘did’ by myself or found all on my own. Yes, I had to take the risk to be vulnerable but there was still another real live human being involved. After all, we aren’t islands unto ourselves. And here’s the thing. The man I married was not a saint. His name wasn’t Jesus, Gandhi, or Buddha. His name was Gary Neal Hall. He was not the President of the United States or the CEO of his own company. He didn’t even come from a wealthy family. He was simply a young man filled with genuine love. For me. He was willing to share his whole heart. With me. And that is what reached my own.
I didn’t learn about genuine love, compassion, and mercy from a church or out of a book. I began to learn about real love from the man who became my husband.
It was because I found someone who was able to receive me and all of my own vulnerability without feeling threatened that helped create the safety I needed that disarmed many of my defenses. The major ones were no longer necessary with him. It was finally safe to be myself. At least with him at the time.
********************
Brene Brown has done some profound work on the subject of vulnerability. In her TedTalk, The Power of Vulnerability, she mentioned how shame is at the heart of our issues with connection. Shame is our fear of disconnection if we reveal who we really are, or share the most vulnerable parts of ourselves. She said,
‘Is there something about me that if people see that I somehow won’t be worthy of connection? What underpinned this shame, ‘I’m not good enough’, was excruciating vulnerability. In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen.’ ~Brene Brown
And that was at the very heart of my fear in initially sharing myself with my future husband. Yet it’s not my dilemma alone. Many share this same struggle with vulnerability. Each of us, in our own ways, have had our struggles with that internal question,
‘If I show you who I am, or share something vulnerable about myself, will you still accept me?’
Are you a safe person that I can open up to?’
Well, many of us already know that not everyone is safe. Not everyone is trustworthy. Not everyone has our best interests at heart. Not everyone is at a place where they can safely handle the truths of others, let alone their own.
It takes a safe environment with non-shaming people in order to reveal the most vulnerable and fragile parts of ourselves without doing more damage. Or having tender hearts harden once again in the face of rejection or indifference when attempting to be vulnerable.
Sometimes, other people cannot receive what we share because we trigger their own unresolved fear. It’s not that others are necessarily bad people if they react by rejecting us or what we’ve shared. Sometimes, our information triggers too much terror inside of themselves that they aren’t yet ready for. And although it is not easy, especially if we are in great need and feeling very fragile, we CAN learn to not take the reactions of others so personally.
It takes time to get to a place like that so be patient with yourself if you still struggle with taking things personally.
One of the main reasons why I struggled with writing this post on vulnerability was for this one simple fact. It’s now over 20 years later and I find myself wrestling with some of these same fears once again now that my husband has passed away. His presence in my life calmed many of those early year fears. Now that he is gone, and although I have our memories together, I’ve still lost my closest friend, mirror, and witness in life. The one who knew me more then anyone else, including my own family. So some of those ancient fears can come rushing forth with a vengeance at times and need to be tackled all over again.
Although this is only part of my own story on vulnerability, I know I’m not alone. All of us in some form or another struggle with feelings of vulnerability at times. I wholeheartedly believe that in order for humanity to move forward, we must all become more willing to take the risks needed to learn to be more vulnerable with each other in order to evolve. Yet not even this is something that can be forced as fear can be immobilizing. We can’t reason ourselves out of fear when it is present.
We must learn how to BE with our fear when it arises and learn to give it enough space for gentle inquiry.
So this isn’t a post on how to ‘do’ vulnerability. This isn’t about doing it ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. This is more about a willingness to recognize it. In ourselves and others. To find compassion for the ways we’ve had to protect ourselves from being vulnerable. Whether you were a soldier on the battlefield at one time, or a survivor of child abuse or some other circumstance that caused you to detach from the most authentic parts of yourself in order to survive…vulnerability is a challenging issue that requires immense patience, love, and compassion in a safe environment without shame in order to effectively heal and evolve.
So I’ll go first in saying…..I feel vulnerable sometimes. Do you?
********************
Questions for Further Reflection:
- I feel vulnerable when ________. Try a sentence completion and write down what comes up for you.
- What people do you feel vulnerable around the most and why?
- What is your most common coping/defense mechanisms when you feel vulnerable?
- When you feel vulnerable, do you tend to fight or flee situations? Which do you tend to do most often?
- Are there any people in your life you consider to be safe to be vulnerable with? If so, explore what it is about them that helps make you feel safe.
- What is your #1 area of vulnerability in your life right now?
- How difficult or easy is it to feel compassion for yourself for all the ways you have learned to protect yourself against vulnerability?
- Is there someone in your life you want to be more vulnerable with? If so, what perceived risks are involved?
- If you are willing to take the risk to be vulnerable with someone, what can you do to prepare yourself to handle possible rejection?
- Are you willing to accept vulnerability in yourself and others as part of one of the conditions of our human existence? If so, how will this change how you relate to yourself and others?
********************
Additional Related Resources:
The Quest for Truth
The Burden of Truth
Leadership: People Pleaser by Lolly Daskal
Leadership: What We Don’t Know We Don’t Know by Lolly Daskal
Create a 5 Around Group by Jesse Lyn Stoner
The Power and Paradox of Being Open by Scott Mabry
Seeking Truth by Scott Mabry
Meditation on Friday by Dan Oestreich
How to Give a Fishing Lesson by Nic Askew
Behind the Mask by Nic Askew
Fragile by Nic Askew
Closing the Compassion Gap Tedx Talk by Andy Bradley
Vulnerability Is The New Currency by Blair Glaser
What Is Vulnerability by Dr. Alice Chan
Posted in Abuse Issues, Authenticity, Coping with Death, Decisions, Family, Grief, Happiness, Healing, Heart, Leadership, Learning, Love, Meaning, Parenting, Perspectives, Purpose, Spirituality, Teaching, Truth, World Issues | Tagged abandoned, abuse, acceptable, agony, Alice Miller, angry, approval, ashamed, attention, band, battlefield, behavior, beliefs, best friend, book, Brene Brown, bridge, Buddha, cared, catalyst, CEO, change, child, childhood, choice, church, compassion, connection, conscious, cope, damaged, Dan Rockwell, defense mechanism, defenses, deny, detaching, disarmed, disgust, disown, dying, earn, embraced, environments, evolve, excuse, existence, explore, express, fairy tales, fake, family, fears, feelings, fiction, fight, flee, flower, fragile, Gandhi, Gary Neal Hall, gentle, God, good, grace, grade school, grades, happiness, happy, heal, healing, heart, hell, hiding, home, human being, hurts, husband, ideas, intention, invisible, isolation, Jesus, learn, learned, life, light, live, love, man, married, masks, meaning, memories, mercy, mimize, navigation, obedient, options, pain, patient, people, please, prayed, President, pretend, price, protect, questions, rape, raping, reality, rebirth, reflection, rejection, risk, roles, safe, safety, saint, Sarah McLachlan, school, shame, share, shelter, sleep, smile, soldier, sports, step-father, struggle, suffering, suppress, survive, sword, terrified, thoughts, threatened, trembling, truth, violate, vulnerability, vulnerable, want, wealthy, withdrew, work, world, wrong | 26 Comments »
April 4, 2013 by Samantha Hall
Our identity can become a burden of truth.
In my last post, The Quest for Truth, I extended a rather bold invitation for people to embark on their own quests for truth. I wrote it to share a portion of my own journey and for those who were ready or had already begun.
Today’s post is the first in a series that I hope serves to help give us a glimpse of truth from a different angle. The burden of our own truths that we carry and its impact on those around us. We will also look at the dilemma of vulnerability in our decisions to disclose to one another. The wisdom and discernment we learn over time in the midst of our disclosures. And finally, I hope to reveal the idea that our interactions with one another are, by their very nature, a necessary alchemy that lies at the heart of transformation.
Not too long ago a Twitter friend of mine, Mike Lehr, asked me to define truth in one of our comment exchanges following a blog post he wrote on the difference between leadership and management. I found this to be an excellent question for us to consider because it seems that on the surface, many of us take for granted that we know what it really means. Most of us have this concrete sense that yes, the truth is the opposite of a lie. The sky is blue. (or is it?) 2+2=4. Yet, how many of us really know the difference between a truth and a lie?
Do YOU know the difference between a truth and a lie?
Pink Floyd so eloquently offers the same questions to us in the beginning of one of their most famous songs (and a personal favorite of mine), Wish You Were Here.
‘So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue sky’s from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?’
- Is truth always black and white?
- Can we fit truth into tidy, convenient boxes with clearly marked labels 100% of the time?
- How do we sift out the truth from the information we are taught and told to accept without evidence or verification?
We tend to simply take some truths at face value. As an automatic given that something is true without question, as I’ve already touched on in my last post.
So before I engage in broaching the subject of truth as a burden, it may be helpful to distinguish the kinds of truth I’m not referring to in this context. I‘m not referring to what people describe as ‘absolute truth’, nor any beliefs surrounding religion, traditions, cultural, family, and otherwise patriotic beliefs derived from whatever country and family you happen to have been born and raised in. I’m referring to the truth of our individual experiences, which are highly subjective and riddled with many ‘assumptions’. However, they are still our PERSONAL ‘truth’.
I’m focusing on the basic truths of our own experiences and how they impact our own lives and those around us. Although it is true that our perspectives can be skewed and are not always accurate, what we experience in real time in the way of sensory input, thoughts, and feelings are very much our truth in the moment. Although many of us know and understand that perception is not necessarily truth, our perceptions still have an impact on our lives and those around us. Personally and professionally.
For example, in order to succeed in business, the perception of the customer means everything. If the customers aren’t happy with your products or services, their perception of your company can result in losing their business, especially if you are in denial. So whether we like it or not, perception cannot be easily ignored for very long. We must learn how to navigate the perceptions of ourselves and others if we wish to bridge the chasm in order to collaborate and serve one another.
So how does truth begin to feel like a burden?
Perhaps on the surface, it doesn’t make much sense that truth would be a burden. We’ve been told that truth is the light. It is love. It is good. It sets us free. Well, if this were true:
- Why are so many of us afraid to share our truths with one another?
- Why have so many of us spent most if not all of our lives having to hide it?
- Who or what taught us to be afraid to reveal who we really are with the ability to honestly express our personal thoughts, feelings, and perspectives?
- Who or what taught us that what we thought and felt was a problem or not important?
Based on personal experience, I would have to say that truth becomes a burden the moment we have to hide what we really think and feel from the people that matter most to us. Or from those we may have to spend a great deal of time working with. The truth becomes a burden in the moment that we are forced to hide a genuine part of ourselves because it is considered to be a problem or not acceptable to someone else.
Now in this context, I’m not referring to harmful ‘truths’ that are unleashing violence and abuse on others. However, I am in part, referring to the truth of being on the receiving end of various types of abuse and the problem with not being able to express the truth of our experiences to anyone; due to fear for our own lives, survival reasons, we may not know where to get help or who to tell. This plays a huge role as to why truth can become such a burden in our own lives and in those around us.
For now, I hope this serves as a bit of a primer that will help us be able to explore our own truths with a little more depth. I also want to emphasize that this topic is only meant to serve as an exploration that has the potential to raise our consciousness. It is not meant to be viewed through the lens of personal judgment or condemnation. However, if those feelings happen to crop up, I would advise taking on the role of an observer. Try to simply notice what you are experiencing rather then judging yourself as right, wrong, good, or bad for what you might experience.
In the next post, we will take a look at the dilemma surrounding vulnerability and disclosure. Until then, I invite you to spend some time exploring what truth means to you in the following questions.
********************
1. How do you personally define truth?
2. How attuned are you with the truth of your own body experiences in the present moment? (tension, aches, cramps, pain spots, etc) Are you tuned in to what your body is experiencing right now? Your emotional feelings? Thoughts?
3. When did you first learn it wasn’t safe to tell the truth about what you think and/or feel? How did you learn to cope? How does this impact you today, personally and professionally?
4. What personal truths feel like a burden for you to carry? Why?
5. Do you have people in your life that you can share your burdens of truth with? If so, what has set these people apart from others?
6. How do you handle it when others share their truths or perspectives with you? At home? At work? In the community? What have been your challenges with this?
7. What fears are most commonly triggered within you when someone shares their truth or perspective? Are you afraid that you won’t know how to handle it? Are you afraid that they want something from you that you aren’t able or willing to give?
8. What can you do to become more aware of your own truth in the present moment? What can you do to periodically check in with yourself?
9. What do you tend to do to escape from dealing with your own truths or that of others? i.e. escape into various addictions, workaholism, exercise, etc.
10. What is the biggest burden of truth in your life right now and what are you going to do about it? What is the payoff for not doing anything about it? What is the worst thing that could happen?
********************
Additional Related Resources:
The Quest for Truth
Leadership: People Pleaser by Lolly Daskal
Why My ’5 Around’ Group Is Important to Me and Why You Should Start One by Jesse Lyn Stoner
Posted in Abuse Issues, Authenticity, Change, Choices, Creative Thinking, Decisions, Education, Healing, Heart, Leadership, Learning, Meaning, Perspectives, Purpose, Spirituality, Teaching, Transformation, Truth, World Issues | Tagged abuse, addictions, afraid, alchemy, assumptions, beliefs, blog, body, bridge, burden, business, chasm, collaborate, community, company, condemnation, consciousness, country, cultural, customer, decisions, denial, dilemma, discernment, disclose, escape, evidence, experiences, exploration, family, feelings, free, genuine, good, heart, heaven, hell, hide, honestly, idea, identity, impact, information, interaections, journey, judgment, labels, leadership, learn, lie, light, love, management, Mike Lehr, navigate, observor, pain, patriotic, payoff, perceptions, perspectives, Pink Floyd, problem, products, professionally, quest, question, religion, role, safe, sensory input, series, services, smile, subjective, survival, taught, thoughts, traditions, transformation, truth, Twitter, verification, violence, vulnerability, wisdom, Wish You Were Here, work, workaholism | 11 Comments »
February 25, 2013 by Samantha Hall
Last March I wrote a post revolving around the need to encourage creative thinking beyond reading comprehension. The impetus for the post was inspired by Seth Godin’s manifesto for transforming education, Stop Stealing Dreams. I raised the point that to move beyond a culture of compliance, we needed to teach our children to increase their skills of discernment by questioning what they are taught rather then blind acceptance of the knowledge we feed them.
Who’s dream are you living anyway?
However, before we can effectively teach our children, we must learn how to do this for ourselves. Yet many of us aren’t inspired or motivated enough to do it until we reach a place in our lives where we are tired of finding out that much of the knowledge and beliefs we’ve been programmed to believe over the years simply aren’t working. Unless you have personally reached this place in your own life, you may not see the need for it and may feel that your beliefs have been serving you just fine in life. If so, this post is not for you.
My journey of questioning has been a long one. Much of the time was spent being too concerned about what other people would think. Or I was afraid I would make people angry, so I kept many of those questions to myself.
That all began to change in earnest about a decade ago as a series of life events motivated me to take up the task of sifting through my own knowledge and beliefs. It has become more of a quest for truth really. A desire born out of necessity in realizing that I can’t make very good decisions without it. And frankly, absolutely TIRED of being lied to and running into deceptions at nearly every turn. It is for this reason that truth has become one of my highest values in life, next to love.
How much power have we unconsciously given away?
Along the way, I’ve also learned that lies and deceptions in other people are things I have absolutely no control over. And to this day, it is still more then frustrating when I run into it. However, I still have the power to question my own knowledge, beliefs, and negative programming. This is what I do have some measure of control over and as I learn, I can share with others who may be at a similar place in life.
Yesterday, Frank Sonnenberg ( @FSonnenberg ) tweeted the following:
‘Learning is less about memorizing facts and more about the ability to think.’
I couldn’t agree more. In my response I said, ‘Actually, I’d even go so far as to say that thinking BEFORE memorizing is imperative. Assumption? Or Fact?’ Meaning, before we take the step of intentionally committing knowledge to memory, it would be wise to think about whether or not it’s really a fact or an assumption. In my heart and mind, if it ‘s not information that is truly useful, why would I want to waste my time and energy on memorizing it for automatic recall later? I’ve already spent enough time in my life doing exactly that and didn’t get the results I wanted or needed.
‘Problems cannot be solved with the same level of thinking that created them.’
~Albert Einstein
This brief Twitter encounter prompted me to think about how we acquire knowledge as children. When we are born, we are propelled dramatically onto the scene of this play we call life. We have people around us who act as our teachers and guides for a time until we are old enough to live on our own. Our young, impressionable minds soak up the information we take in all around us; including the knowledge and beliefs of parents, family, friends, teachers, religions, patriotic beliefs, etc. Yet, the average child does not know how to effectively discern and filter all of that knowledge.
The guard of mindfulness has not yet been awakened in most of us to know how to stand watch at the door of our consciousness. We don’t know that we have the power and the choice as to what information we allow to enter and accept as a belief that is true. Instead, we blindly accept what we are told because we either love and trust the people telling us, or we fear their authority and don’t know any better then to believe what we are told.
And here lies the dilemma, if we’ve been programmed with faulty information to begin with, we won’t be able to make very good decisions.
- How can we acquire genuine wisdom unless we get to a place where we can accept the need to question the knowledge we’ve received in the first place?
- How will our children be able to make good decisions that have a positive impact on the future if we continue to ignorantly program them with the same faulty beliefs as we were conditioned to believe?
- Take a look at our country. Are all those beliefs really WORKING for us?
I can’t speak for you. I can only say that much of the beliefs I’ve been conditioned to believe have not worked for me.
I’ve learned that if I value my freedom, I’ve had to become courageous enough to question what I’ve been conditioned to believe throughout my life. I want to be free and I want my children to be free. The only people who wouldn’t want me to question what I believe are those that either do not want me to be free. Or those who would be threatened by that freedom. The only people that wouldn’t want any of us to be truly free are those who would wish to control us….
So let me ask you, just how FREE are you? Really? And if you don’t feel very free, how great of a price are you willing to pay for that freedom?
Are you currently on a similar quest for truth? If so, feel free to share the evolution of your own journey.
NOTE: If you have a post that harmonizes or adds to this topic, please feel free to message me with a link and I will add it to the list of resources below.
********************
Related Posts and Additional Resources:
Encouraging Students to Read Beyond Comprehension
The Perilous Journey or a Grand Adventure
Live and Learn by Frank Sonnenberg
Now I’m A Believer by Scott Mabry
Appearances Can Be Deceiving by Bob Burg
How to Answer a Wake Up Call by Jesse Lyn Stoner
Posted in Authenticity, Change, Children, Choices, Creative Thinking, Decisions, Education, Family, Healing, Leadership, Learning, Parenting, Perspectives, Spirituality, Teaching, Transformation | Tagged acceptance, afraid, Albert Einstein, angry, assumption, authority, awakened, beliefs, believe, children, choice, compliance, conditioned, consciousness, control, courageous, creative thinking, culture, deception, decisions, desire, discernment, dream, energy, facts, family, fear, Frank Sonnenberg, free, freedom, guides, information, inspired, journey, knowledge, learning, lies, life, love, memorizing, mindfulness, minds, motivated, parents, people, power, price, problems, quest, question, reading comprehension, religions, results, Seth Godin, Stop Stealing Dreams, teachers, time, trust, truth, Twitter, values | 20 Comments »
January 28, 2013 by Samantha Hall
Since my last post, Pilgrims in Our Own Land, until now, our country and various parts of the world has experienced some events that have triggered a great deal of emotion in many people. Myself included. Hurricane Sandy took it’s toll on the east coast prior to Thanksgiving. The shooting in a mall here on the west coast just 20 minutes away from me in December. Followed by a far more devastating event with the shocking murder of so many innocent children in Connecticut less then a week later.
While we were all still reeling from the impact of these events, news came of the brutal rape of a woman in India that struck me to the core. This was the straw that broke the camels back for me as I considered the abnormally high statistics of sex abuse and rape that is going on right here in America. Even now. The reason why events like these have such a huge impact on me personally is because I experienced them myself as a child growing up here in America. I know all too well what it is like to live with sexual abuse and rape by those that are supposed to love and care for you.
That Pesky Elephant
Recently, Scott Mabry wrote a great post titled That Pesky Elephant I had plenty that I wanted to share yet didn’t feel that was the appropriate forum and time to share it due to the subject matter. My pesky elephant isn’t exactly the best conversation starter nor a pleasant one. So my personal challenge has revolved around wanting to find a way to communicate enough of the truth balanced with love about some very unpleasant and difficult things in a world that so desperately wants and needs to hear ‘good news’. Something we all want and need to hear when the world can seem like such a very dark place at times.
However, with my background in healthcare and my natural bent for deep thinking, I understand full well that we can’t enter the ‘promised land’ until we address what blocks us from it in the first place. I know that we can’t heal as a nation unless we know and understand what is causing our dis-ease.
So our greatest task as a society involves defining the new reality that we want while simultaneously addressing the reality of ‘what currently is’. This means that, yes, we have to be willing to look at our problems together without any rose-colored sunglasses. And this also happens to be the least pleasant and most vital part of the process of transformation.
Now while none of us can address the multi-faceted and complex issues in any single post, we can still continue to address various facets of them. Together. For the purpose of this post, I found the best analogy from one of my favorite movies, Apollo 13. I love this movie for more then just the dramatic re-enactment of a real life event that also had an amazingly happy ending. I love it because it shows with great clarity just how VITAL communication is between people, teams, departments, and systems.
Consider what would have happened if the crew on Apollo 13 couldn’t communicate those famous words:
‘Houston, we have a problem.’
Now consider what would have happened if Houston denied or ignored that Apollo 13 had a problem? Doing so would be obviously ludicrous, right?
It is from this last perspective that I hope you can begin to see how this is a huge crux of our problem as a society. From the smallest units of family all the way up through our various organizations, businesses, and government. In many cases, Houston wants to ignore and deny that their people have a serious problem. They don’t want to hear it. In fact, some even punish their people for trying to tell them.
Now consider some of the reasons why Apollo 13 turned out to be a SUCCESSFUL ‘failure’ as a mission. Here are some that I gleaned off the top of my head in no particular order.
- All of the people and teams involved had EXCELLENT communication skills.
- Prompt reporting and solving of problems.
- ZERO denial as to the severity of the issues.
- Frank honesty and clarity as needed.
- From the top down, all people were 100% unified with a common purpose and objective: To solve each problem as they arose so they could bring the astronauts back to earth. Alive.
And they succeeded.
So how do we apply this in real life? If people refuse to communicate or simply don’t know how, problems don’t get solved. Things and relationship start to break down. Ultimately, people can die and we see this manifested in suicides, murders, and war.
Looking at all of this from another perspective, imagine your own body. If a part of your body hurts, what happens when you ignore it? Ignore things for too long and it gets worse, right? It could eventually turn into a problem so big, there is no cure for it. (i.e. cancer) So when your body cries out in pain, those are your cells and neurotransmitters doing their job saying, ‘Houston, we have a problem.’
Whether we realize it or not, this country is a single body. A living organism. We have parts of the body crying out in pain all over the place in various ways. Is denying it going to make the problems go away? Will trying to stay focused on only thinking good thoughts going to make the problems go away? Is telling the people who are in pain to be silent so no one else has to feel bad going to improve things? Or make it worse?
I’d say we’ve been receiving some loud and clear indicators that all that ‘stuffing’ going on is leaking out in some extremely violent ways. We’re way past the time that we need to collectively consider the impact, implications, and ramifications for the acts of violence we’ve been experiencing, including the overwhelmingly high statistics of sex abuse and rape in America.
As a nation, we must not only take the time to dream a brand new dream together, but find the courage to face the wounded and painful parts of our body as well. Together.
‘Weep with those who weep. Mourn with those who mourn.’
Romans 12:15
We can also do several other things:
- We can continue to deepen our connections with one another.
- Connect with and expand our various spheres of influence.
- We can continue to share our unique perspectives with a willingness to learn from one another.
- We can help build one another up as we also learn to accept the weak and more frail parts of our humanity that need to be served and healed in various ways. Including ourselves and each other.
Love IS the answer.
Love is the bridge that integrates the dark and light aspects within ourselves.
And all around us.
I’d like to close this post by sharing the words from Maria Pacheco on How To Give a Fishing Lesson. A short Soul Biography film by Nic Askew. Maria has played a part in the transformation of many of Guatemala’s poorest rural communities and was transformed herself along the way. In part of her interview she says the following:
‘There’s this scared little girl meeting other scared little boys and girls. And the miracle of life allowing them to connect a little bit. And realizing with that connection, a little bit of light came in and we were able to do something together.’
- What do we want to do together?
- What can we do together?
- What are we willing to do together?
Let’s all find out so we can do it.
********************
Related posts and additional resources:
That Pesky Elephant by Scott Mabry
Leaders are Lovers by Scott Mabry
Anatomy of Events by Mike Lehr
Leading With Love: Just Say It by Lolly Daskal
We Need a Courageous Conversation by Lolly Daskal
Do You Really Matter by Steve Keating
Why the Best Techniques Don’t Work by Jesse Lyn Stoner
Collaboration is the Remedy for Polarization by Jesse Lyn Stoner
Don’t Turn Away - A Soul Biographies short film on the subject of grief by Nic Askew
Posted in Abuse Issues, Authenticity, Change, Children, Choices, Coping with Death, Creative Thinking, Decisions, Education, Family, Grief, Happiness, Healing, Leadership, Learning, Love, Meaning, Parenting, Perspectives, Purpose, Spirituality, Teaching, Transformation, World Issues | Tagged America, analogy, Apollo 13, body, boys, bridge, build, cancer, cells, challenge, children, clarity, communication, complex issues, connections, conversation, courage, denial, departments, die, disease, dream, emotion, failure, family, frail, girls, good news, government, Guatemala, heal, healthcare, honesty, Houston, humanity, Hurricane Sandy, hurts, impact, implications, India, indicators, influence, interview, Jesse Lyn Stoner, learn, lessons, life, light, living, Lolly Daskal, love, Maria Pacheco, miracle, mission, mourn, murders, nation, neurotransmitters, Nic Askew, objective, organism, pain, people, perspectives, problems, promised land, punish, purpose, ramifications, rape, reality, reporting, scared, Scott Mabry, sex abuse, shootings, silent, society, solving, Soul Biography, statistics, Steve Keating, stuffing, successful, suicides, systems, task, teams, Thanksgiving, thinking, together, transformation, unified, violence, violent, war, weak, weep, world, wounded | 2 Comments »
December 15, 2012 by Samantha Hall
‘In the middle of the road of my life
I awoke in a dark wood
where the true way was wholly lost.’
~Dante
Most Americans are familiar with the story of the early English settlers who fled the religious and political tyranny in England to live in freedom in a new land. Following the harvest of a good crop in Plymouth, they shared a meal in gratitude for the blessings they received following a great period of hardship. We have traditionally celebrated this meal every year as Thanksgiving; a time of giving thanks for all our many blessings.
Although our Thanksgiving tradition has made it easy for us to remember to be thankful for all that we have, it is important that we do not lose sight of the risks and challenges those pilgrims faced on their journey to buy their freedom. It was not without great cost and hardship. How grateful we are is generally in direct proportion to how much hardship and suffering we have endured prior to finally receiving something in the form of what we consider to be a blessing. While in the midst of suffering and hardship, nurturing hope seems to be a far more common theme than an attitude of gratitude.
’There is a time and season for everything under the sun.’ ~Ecclesiastes 3
Passengers traveling on the Mayflower had to endure horrible conditions for 65 days before they landed. Many were very ill and developed scurvy. 50% of those people died during the first winter.
I’m bringing this up so that we can be mindful of the contrasts of the human experience. I bring it up because in many ways, our culture has a tendency to push the pendulum of focus to extremes; to the point we are in danger of losing sight of the realistic hardships many people face in life. When we become too polarized in our thinking, we risk venturing into the land of denial and pollyannaism. When this happens, it does not serve us or anyone else in a positive way since it ultimately discounts and invalidates the genuine hardships and trials of many people living on our own soil and throughout the world.
There are times where it can seem as if any hardship at all is presumed to no longer be part of the equation in life and if hardship arises, then we are somehow doing something ‘wrong’; not thinking positively enough, not keeping our love vibes at optimal levels, karma has caught up with us and is now dishing out all that we deserve because of something bad we may have done in a past life, or insert any number of popular faddish beliefs that can be found on the internet or in variously popular books.
When times are difficult, we cannot afford to give up hope or to lose sight of ANY amount of good in our life. Doing whatever we can to nurture hope is necessary fuel that keeps us going . In some cases, it can even keep us alive when we’ve absolutely hit rock bottom. However, we do a great disservice in the world when we presume we can control ‘life’ by attempting to focus only on the good and positive, and discounting what is considered bad, negative, or unwanted in the lives of the people. Denial does not help anyone. In fact, it can often signify a lack of compassion and empathy.
The recent impact of Hurricane Sandy that pummeled the East coast was a significant reminder to us all how quickly lives can change. Whether it was the loss of loved ones, businesses, or entire homes, those living on the East coast had to come face to face with the startling fact that many things in life are more out of our control then we may have originally believed. For those that did suffer great loss and tragedy as a result of this storm, Thanksgiving will not be the same this year.
Also, the recent experience in the life of Malala Yousafzai, a 14 year old girl shot by the Taliban for speaking up on behalf of other females right to receive an education like everyone else is another perfect example. Her people have been under tight militant control. Females were ordered to quit attending school. They were also prohibited from shopping. Store owners were afraid to speak out even though the result was a severe loss of business. It was either that or risk being put to death. The dead bodies of various activists and others who have tried to resist in any way have been left out in public areas as a warning of deterrence and to induce fear in the hearts and minds of the people.
Malala and her people would find little comfort in many of the positive thinking clichés passed around today. To speak up against injustice would be considered a complaint. To speak of who is doing the injustice would be considered gossip. In some circles, the trials her people face would be considered to be brought on by the type of vibes they were emanating out into the universe.
Right now, Malala’s people are like the pilgrims who long to be freed from tyranny in their own land. Right now, it is a time of hardship and struggle for them. I imagine that now is not the time they are being moved to celebrate with feelings of gratitude and thanksgiving for what they are still in the midst of. Once her people are released from such oppressive tyranny that they are facing now; once girls are allowed to freely attend public schools again and shop openly in the market place, I imagine it will usher in a time of great celebration in thanksgiving for all they have overcome.
Right now, they need help and hope. Just as those on the East coast did during and after the storm. To expect them to cling to a positive outlook and frame of mind while in the midst of tremendous hardship and difficulty is not realistic. People tend to cling to any hope they can find as they cling to each other in order to get through it all. Yet true feelings of gratitude and thanksgiving will not be genuinely felt until they have reaped the harvest they are seeking and needing in their lives.
We only need to look at some of our own lives and all around us to recognize that current times are once again heralding the need for new change; in our homes, our relationships, schools, organizations, and government. Not everyone in the country right now may be feeling this as strongly as I am, however, I know that many are. Like me, many have woken up in a dark wood where the true way seems to be at least temporarily lost.
Like the pilgrims who landed in Plymouth who struggled with great hardship before finally reaping a good harvest in the new land, many of us have sown seeds in the soil of various organizations only to wind up without a harvest after years of toil and labor. Some have lost their jobs for various reasons, including changes in the economy. Some of us have had to walk away due to irreconcilable differences. Some of us have experienced crisis where we lost almost everything when at one time, we were thriving and living quite well. So for some, the harvest has not yet arrived and we press on in hope.
Along the same lines as Scott Mabry shared in his recent post, The Thin Line Between Control and Chaos, I echo his words:
‘I’d like to advocate a third alternative,
live and lead in the tension between both.
Accepting the truth we see in all of nature.
While not the easy path, it is the path that embraces reality.’
Our thankfulness comes in direct proportion to the hardships we faced prior to receiving a true blessing. It is for those of us who may be living as pilgrims in our own land that I write this today. It is a message to say that you are not alone in the struggle to reap a good harvest. May we all reach a place where we have overcome whatever challenges we may be facing so that we can freely, and with great joy feel the true spirit of Thanksgiving for receiving the blessing.
While most of us certainly do not wish for the more negative aspects of our human existence, they are inevitable to varying degrees. Trying to deny pain and darkness in ourselves and others does not make it go away. In fact, it often makes it worse. If you are in the midst of a storm or trying to make the transitions following a great challenge or hardship, here are some suggestions for helping ourselves and others who may be enduring difficult times. Or for anyone who knows of those who are.
1. Accept the full spectrum of emotions and feelings as a normal, natural, and necessary part of life.
2. Give yourself and others permission to feel what you are feeling.
3. Validate your life experiences. Do not discount them or anyone else.
4. Connection is vital especially during challenging times.
5. Do not allow anyone to shame you for being vulnerable enough to reach out. Do not shame others who try to reach out.
6. ‘An ounce of help is better than a pound of preaching’ ~Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton If you can’t personally help someone, at least do your best to not hurt them or make things worse.
7. If you are in a position to help others in need, simply start by asking them what they need from you.
8. Sometimes the very best help in the world is a genuinely kind smile and a listening ear to show you care.
9. Try not to show partiality. Treat the homeless person with the same amount of respect and compassion as you would a more renowned famous person.
10. Let us do our best to love one another through all our human seasons.
Today, I’m thankful for my two beautiful daughters who continue to give me great joy. I’m blessed to have them in my life. I am also thankful for both old and new friends and connections I have made this year. I wish each and every one of you a Happy Thanksgiving. I hope the day is filled with immense love, peace, and joy.
Note: Originally published as a guest post on Scott Mabry’s leadership blog: Elumn8 on November 22, 2012.
Posted in Authenticity, Change, Coping with Death, Creative Thinking, Education, Family, Grief, Happiness, Healing, Leadership, Learning, Love, Meaning, Perspectives, Spirituality, Teaching, World Issues | Tagged activists, Americans, attitude, beliefs, blessings, business, care, challenges, change, chaos, cliches, compassion, connection, control, cost, crisis, crop, culture, danger, Dante, darkness, daughters, death, denial, east coast, Eccliastes, economy, education, emotions, empathy, English, fear, feelings, females, focus, freedom, friends, government, gratitude, hardship, harvest, help, homes, hope, Hurricane Sandy, injustice, journey, joy, karma, labor, life, lost, love, Malala Yousafzai, Mayflower, message, mindful, natural, need, negative, organizations, pain, partiality, peace, people, permission, Plymouth, pollyannaism, positive, preaching, realistic, relationships, respect, risks, school, Scott Mabry, seasons, shame, smile, storm, suffering, suggestions, Taliban, thankful, Thanksgiving, time, traditiion, tragedy, truth, tyranny, validate, vulnerable, warning, world | 1 Comment »
September 7, 2012 by Samantha Hall
Recently, I participated in one of the dynamically engaging and growing weekly leadership chats here on Twitter. This particular chat happened to be #BeALeader, which is hosted on Twitter every Thursday at 7pm EST/4pm PST by Jennifer Olney. Owner of Ginger Consulting. Each week, a new leadership topic is presented and co-hosted by a different leader. This week, we had the honor of being led by Dan Forbes from Lead With Giants. The topic he designed for us to explore was Don’t Act Like A Leader…Be A Leader.
Here are the list of questions presented during the chat:
- Q1: Is there a difference between acting like a leader and being a leader?
- Q2: When you are not being your authentic self, what are you?
- Q3: Can acting like a leader be a positive thing?
- Q4: Do leaders sometimes have to put on an act?
- Q5: Can YOU tell when someone is acting?
Styles of Leadership
It only took getting to Question #2 when I realized just how deep this subject really is. For multiple reasons. Just off the top of my head I was already thinking of various styles of leadership; autocratic, democratic, and laissez-faire (delegating). I have personal experience with mainly the first two via military and civilian sectors. The military, which represents the autocratic body of leadership. It is intentionally designed NOT to be a democracy in order to carry out a specific purpose, functions, and tasks related to our national security and defense. The rest of the jobs I’ve held were in the civilian sector and could basically be considered democratic. Although that entirely depends on the mindset of the leader(s) running the organization or company. Or the type of organization it is.
Mindsets: Power Over vs Co-Creation
Which leads me to my next point: mindset. Even in a democracy, the mindset of a leader determines how that person leads. In their personal life and/or in business. Since childhood on, I have to say that many of the experiences I’ve had with various leaders were deeply entrenched in what could be considered ‘power over‘ mentality. It was about domination and control. As opposed to a more democratic or ‘co-creation’ methodology.
Values and Character
I also have to say that VALUES and CHARACTER also play a huge role on the way a person leads. There are many who are literally BEING A LEADER and not acting. Yet can their leadership be characterized as ‘beneficial’ or ‘destructive’ to those they lead? What IMPACT does that persons leadership have on others? Their families? Their teams? Their organizations? Their nation? The world?
Case in point: The holocaust. That particular leader was not ACTING. He was fully BEING in alignment with his personal beliefs, values, and character, however deluded they may have been. And many people followed him. As a result, there was a great deal of devastation and destruction that led to a world war. Again, please let me emphasize. He was not ACTING. He was BEING.
Here in America: We have had presidents that were revealed to have little to no INTEGRITY at all. Yet to this day, some people still consider to be GREAT leaders! As if all that it takes to be a great leader is to be effective in terms of foreign policy , a few financial issues, and a polished ORATOR. Delivering great speeches and excelling at talking shop at home and abroad does not mean GOOD leadership. A great salesman? Perhaps. However, they are not one and the same. A good leader can also be a great salesman. However, not every great salesman is a good leader.
This NATION doesn’t need another slick salesman selling swampland to the masses in order to further their own self-centered interests or image. It’s important that we learn how to discern the difference.
We need REAL leadership that is ABOUT the people and FOR the people!
That said, here is the big dilemma. As long as people remain divided on CORE VALUES, where truth and integrity are NOT central to leadership, the ‘head’ will always lead with various means of deception. If MONEY and GREED is more important then truth….if SELF-CENTERED INTERESTS are more important than truth, equity, and justice in the land…
We will not have SOUND or WISE leadership.
There is far more I can say on this topic, yet I should probably save those ideas and reflections for another post.
So for now, I’d like to close with an important question that Dan Rockwell, author of Leadership Freak blog, tweeted just shortly after the chat:
Self reflection: Am I bringing out the best or bringing out the worst in the people around me?
For me, this is what it all boils down to. We don’t really have much control over other leaders. Only ourselves. So this is a good question to explore for each and every one of us when it comes to our own leadership.
- Am I bringing out the best or worst in the people around me?
- In my family? Friends?
- Co-workers?
- The neighbors?
- Strangers?
- Or ANYONE who might look up to me?
This is one area where we DO have some power of authority over.
********************
1. How would you describe your current leadership style?
2. What impact has your leadership style/mindset had on those around you?
3. How open are you to feedback when it comes to your leadership?
4. Do you have at least ONE person in your life that you trust enough to be vulnerably honest with? And someone who has your best interests at heart?
5. What can we do together to help support one another in becoming better leaders at home, at work, and in our communities?
********************
Other related posts with additional insights and discussion:
Who Made You the Leader of Me?
Leadership’s Dark Side
Intelligence vs Wisdom
Posted in Authenticity, Change, Choices, Creative Thinking, Decisions, Leadership, Learning, Perspectives, Teaching, World Issues | Tagged America, authentic, autocratic, bealeader, business, character, childhood, civilian, co-creation, community, company, control, Dan Forbes, Dan Rockwell, deception, defense, democratic, destruction, devastation, domination, equity, feedback, foreign policy, functions, Ginger Consulting, greed, holocaust, home, ideas, impact, integrity, Jennifer Olney, jobs, justice, laissez-faire, Lead With Giants, leader, leadership, Leadership Freak blog, leadership mindsets, life, military, mindset, money, national security, orator, organization, power of authority, purpose, questions, reflections, salesman, self-centered interests, speeches, support, tasks, thoughts, trust, truth, Twitter, values, wise, world war | 18 Comments »
July 20, 2012 by Samantha Hall
June 23, 1990
The storm flew into my life without warning and with such a force that it brought me to my knees, threatening to rip apart the last remaining fragile threads of my faith. In a single moment, my life and that of my two daughters were forever changed and were faced with the task of sifting through the chaos and destruction this storm left of our lives. This is my story….
Nothing could prepare me for what I had to face that day.
It was Sunday, February 13, 2005. I was in the middle of giving report to the next shift at an assisted living facility where I was working as a nurse. My cell phone rang just as I finished reporting. It was my husbands phone number that showed up on caller ID but it wasn’t his voice that I heard on the other end of the line. It was a friend and team mate of his from the city league basketball team. He was calling from my husbands phone to tell me that Gary had collapsed after the game and had been taken to the hospital. He told me that he and his wife had my daughters with them, and that I should come to the hospital as soon as I could.
I distinctly remember that I didn’t believe that it could be that serious when I got off the phone. And as I made my way to the hospital, I began to come up with logical explanations for why he would have collapsed and needed to go to there. I was thinking something along the lines of dehydration. I imagined Gary hooked up to an IV in the ER, fully alert and oriented, but with his typical sheepish grin on his face as I walked into his room. I honestly thought that everything was going to be just fine, but at the same time, I couldn’t seem to get there fast enough as I hit nearly every red traffic light along the way.
When I first walked into the waiting room at the ER, I saw all of Gary’s team mates huddled together as a group. Before I could ask questions or say a word to them
Gary playing BB at FVHS in 1987.
or my daughters, a nurse came and asked if Gary’s wife had arrived, and she told me to follow her. I walked into the main part of the ER, and was immediately led to a room where I saw the tear-streaked face of my mother-in-law, but no sign of my husband. At that moment, the hair on the back of my neck stood up. It felt as if I had entered another dimension of reality; a sort of twilight zone. I knew that if things weren’t serious, they would have been taking me directly to see him.
I was desperate for information as I was seated next to my mother-in-law in this tiny room. A man was also in the room with us and as I began my series of questions. He began to speak to me very slowly, TOO slowly, as he proceeded to tell me what happened to Gary when he collapsed after the game. He told me that once Gary collapsed, he was defibrillated twice before the ambulance arrived.
This does not compute…
I was shocked when I heard this because there was no mention of CPR when I received the call…
‘Once the paramedics arrived, they continued CPR all the way to the hospital…..’ (At this point, I just wanted him to get to the point and asked him what he was trying to say.)
‘They continued CPR for an hour…’ (Please! Just tell me! What are you trying to say!?)
‘I’m sorry, Samantha…they did everything they could, but Gary didn’t make it…..’
Nothing could have prepared me for those words. Nothing.
At that moment, I felt like I had been hit by a freight train. Complete shock mixed with excruciating emotional pain swept over me and flooded my conscience like a tidal wave as I tried to wrap my brain around the idea that Gary was no longer alive. There must be some mistake. Maybe I didn’t hear correctly. Maybe I’m only dreaming…stuck in some horrible nightmare. Denial, shock, and grief competed with one another but could do nothing to block the tears and the wailing sobs that I could not hold back.
I felt like a part of my own flesh had been savagely ripped from me. I felt like the part of me that was left behind was an open, gaping wound left hemorrhaging to death. I felt completely helpless and at a loss for what to do. I could only cry as bits and pieces of memories of my life with Gary flashed across my minds eye.
I don’t remember how long I was like this but once I settled down, another wave of pain and grief hit me as I realized that my two little girls were still out in the waiting room. They did not yet know that their daddy was no longer here. The idea that my little girls were now fatherless was almost unbearable to me. To imagine my children having to go through the same amount of pain as I was currently facing, if not more, was devastating to me. But it could not be avoided. So when my mother-in-law and I felt ready, someone sent for my girls and brought them in.
Gary with his daughters, Jessica and Makaila.
Jessica was 12 at the time, and Makaila, my youngest, was 5. And as my eldest sat on my lap, and the youngest sat on her grandma’s lap, the chaplain told them that their daddy had passed away. As Jessica clung to me crying uncontrollably, all’s I could do was hold her as I looked helplessly into the eyes of my youngest as she stared back into mine. And with trembling lips but no sound, she layed her head against grandma’s chest as a single tear slid down her cheek.
Life seemed so unfair…..
I don’t recall how long we all sat in that room holding on to each other. Time no longer had any meaning. But eventually, I asked to see Gary. I needed to see him with my own eyes. Although I had been told that he had died, there was a part of me that didn’t want to believe it. There was a part of me that still clung to the idea that perhaps this was all just a dream and that soon I would wake up and my life would be back to normal…that Gary would be alive.
As I approached the room where I knew Gary’s body would be, I tried to brace myself because I didn’t know what reaction I would have when I actually saw him. I was frightened, but my legs kept propelling me forward until I found myself in his room and standing beside his lifeless body. A sheet was laid over him and the intubation tube was still in his mouth. There was no color to his skin, and he felt so cold as I touched his hand. And yet his skin was still so very soft. I traced my hand along every exposed surface…up his arm, across his chest, along his face as I felt his whiskers underneath my fingertips. I ran a finger along his lips; the same lips I had kissed thousands of times since I was 18.
His eyes were slightly open and I could see his brown eyes still shining. It was at that point that I began to bargain with God. I believed that if I prayed hard enough…if my will was strong enough, maybe he would come back to life. As I held onto him and sobbed into his neck, I imagined that he would completely open his eyes at any moment, that his chest would begin to rise and fall with new breath, and we would have him back. I also laughed at my absurdity. Here I was a nurse, still in uniform with a stethoscope around my neck, praying to God with everything in me, and expecting my husband to suddenly come back from the dead! And as the moments passed, I knew that he was never coming back.
He was gone. Forever.
June 23, 1990
I had a difficult time leaving Gary’s body behind at the hospital. Intellectually, I knew that Gary’s spirit was no longer residing in his body, but emotionally, I felt strangely protective of it. I felt like I was abandoning him by leaving. Or perhaps unconsciously struggling with the terror that I was the one being abandoned, even though it wasn’t on purpose. I also knew that I would never see Gary’s body again once I left. But eventually, the fatigue from being up since 4am and the shock and grief of losing Gary, forced me to part with him, once and for all, and I drove home.
(Originally written in 2006.)
********************
1. What lessons has various losses in your life taught you? Examples: Death of a loved one. Loss of position or job? Income? Possessions?
2. When loss occurs, we become acutely aware of the deficit or gap it leaves in our life. What ‘need’ did this loss point to that was being filled by this person, this title, position, job, or possession?
3. What have you learned to appreciate MORE or perhaps for the 1st time as a result of this loss?
Posted in Authenticity, Change, Children, Coping with Death, Family, Grief, Healing, Heart, Love, Meaning, Parenting, Perspectives, Spirituality, Teaching | Tagged abandonment, bargaining, basketball, chaos, chaplain, children, CPR, daughters, death, denial, ER, faith, fatherless, God, grief, heart attack, helplessness, hospital, husband, life, memories, nurse, paramedics, prayer, shock, story, tragedy | 12 Comments »
Older Posts »
